Grief
A reader of my last article requested I talk about what we can do to help a person experiencing grief. This article by no means answers all the questions, but I hope you find it to be a useful start.
What is Grief?
Grief is defined as a “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss”. It is an emotion, not a behavior. Hence, it will look very different for every person who experiences it. People experience grief for many different reasons. The sense of loss is most commonly associated with the death of a person someone loves but it can be experienced for any loss.
What can we do to help?
1. Be a Good Listener: Most of us get into this field because we are compassionate, caring people. When someone is suffering, we want to alleviate their pain. So when we are with someone in grief we try to give advice, share our experiences of loss, or whatever else we can think of that will help comfort the person. These strategies, although well intended, rarely work to help alleviate the person’s suffering. On the contrary they tend to encourage the person to not share with others the struggles they are going through, and extend the grieving process. Instead, we should just listen when the person is sharing with us, striving to understand what it is they are experiencing. Ask questions instead of giving advice. Repeat what they are telling you in your own words as a way of checking with them to ensure you are understanding and to communicate with them your desire to understand. In the long run, being empathetic and being there to share in their journey through grief will have the best outcome.
2. Be a Good Observer: A person who is going through grief may have some major behavioral changes for a period of time and fade in and out of those changes as the grief process progresses. This is a normal response to grief. What you need to watch for is when their behavior changes get to the point that they are interfering with their ability to function. (i.e., they withdraw from contact with everyone, their behaviors are putting themselves or others in danger, they are at risk of losing things that are important to them such as their job, relationships, etc…) Express your concerns regarding their behavior to them. Again, this is not the time to give advice. It is a time to listen to what is behind the behavior. Try to understand where the person is coming from while communicating your concern for them.
3. Get Help if Needed: If the person’s behavior is putting them (or others) at risk, or if you feel like you are beyond your ability to help, seek consultation. For Tungland employees, you should be talking with your supervisor and your chain of command about what you are seeing as well as keeping appropriate documentation. If you still feel stuck, I am also available to you to help you talk through your concerns and to offer consultation.
Summary
At the core of these recommendations is the principle that we should be following for our work with people in all situations, and not just grief. Our primary duty as social workers is to share in the journey of life that the people we work with are on. It is in the sharing through the good and hard times that we add quality and value to people’s lives.
